The prosecution: Rasheeda
The smell is intense, persistent and makes me nauseous. If she knows I hate it, she should stop
My friend and flatmate Farrah loves incense, but I hate it. I knew it was going to be a problem when I moved into her flat 18 months ago, and she was walking around “sageing” the rooms for “energy-cleansing”. I said: “What the hell are you doing?”
Whenever I came home, Farrah would have incense sticks burning. I asked her to not do it when I was at home and she agreed. But because she works from home and still burns it while I’m out, I’m hit by a wall of thick smoke when I come back from work. The smell really lingers throughout the whole flat.
I still feel annoyed, so our agreement isn’t really working. Burning incense isn’t like lighting a scented candle. It’s heavy, persistent and strong. Incense clings to fabrics, stays in the air, and for people with sensitive sinuses (like me) it causes headaches and nausea. I also think it affects the vibe of a shared space.
Farrah says it’s for the “ambience”, but it ruins it for me. She’s Muslim – as am I – from an Egyptian background, and grew up with incense at home, but I don’t think it’s insensitive to ask her not to burn it around me.
She’s offered to try some sticks with a different scent, but they all smell the same to me, like burnt wood. I also find it triggering because the smell reminds me of a really tough time in my life when my cousin was using weed heavily while I lived with him. The smell makes me feel anxious, not calm.
Plus, I read that too much incense burning makes the air quality in your space worse. I’m not saying Farrah’s trying to kill us slowly, but when she’s burning it several times a week in shared air, it becomes my problem too.
We’ve been mates for years but, until we lived together, I didn’t know how incense-mad Farrah was.
I’ve suggested essential-oil diffusers and candles, but she says they don’t have the same impact. I’ve told her that’s exactly the point, and we are kind of at a stalemate now. I just don’t think anyone should be continuously subjected to smells they find unpleasant in their own home.
The defence: Farrah
I open windows and don’t burn it when Rasheeda’s home. Stopping entirely isn’t a compromise
For me, incense is cultural, spiritual and emotional. I grew up with my mum lighting it all the time, and it reminds me of warmth and protection.
At the moment, I’m only burning it when Rasheeda isn’t around, or when I’m in my room. I don’t want Rasheeda to feel uncomfortable, but I am sticking to the rule she suggested, so I’m not doing anything wrong.
The incense I use isn’t overpowering, and I make sure the windows are open so there’s airflow. It helps keep the flat smelling fresh. I don’t want to use candles, essential oils or sprays as they don’t have the same effect.
Also, both of us contribute our own “notes” to the atmosphere. I don’t say anything when Rasheeda leaves her sweaty gym stuff in a laundry basket in the kitchen. Compared to that, my sandalwood and myrrh are really nice.
It’s my home too. In fact, Rasheeda only moved in when my old flatmate moved out, so why should I have to completely change my lifestyle? I was happy to have her because we’ve been friends since we were about 25, after meeting at work (we’re 32 now). I’ve lived here for three years and Rasheeda moved in 18 months ago.
I’ve asked her which scents don’t bother her, and said I could switch to those in communal areas. But banning incense entirely feels extreme and unfair to me. We’re living in close quarters, which I like, but that means sometimes we’ll hear each other’s music, smell each other’s cooking, or have to deal with each other’s quirks – that’s life. The incense doesn’t linger for hours like she says and I’m not burning it all day. I work from home, and only use it now and again.
I think incense helps calm the energy of our home. I like being in an environment that smells familiar, soothing and culturally resonant as it helps me decompress.
Rasheeda’s feelings are valid, but so are mine. I’m not trying to force incense on her, and I’m happy to compromise, maybe by having a schedule, choosing lighter scents or sticking to certain times of day. But our home should reflect both of us.
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The jury of Guardian readers
Is Rasheeda right to feel incensed?
It seems perverse Rasheeda didn’t notice the incense issue before moving into her friend’s flat. To then assume Farrah would totally remake her lifestyle is nothing short of bizarre. Time to move on – and out!
Stuart, 76
Smoke of any kind is heavy in particulates that trigger asthma and chronic conditions like migraines. Rasheeda is correct in ruling it out to protect the health of both tenants and visitors. (It makes me nauseous; I won’t enter shops that use it.)
Pamela, 71
Rasheeda chose to move in with Farrah, so should be prepared to compromise. Farrah has modified her incense use, but as Rasheeda still complains I suggest Farrah burns scented candles in the shared spaces before Rasheeda gets home to neutralise the incense odours. (And wouldn’t the bathroom a more appropriate place for a laundry basket?)
Carrie, 69
One presumes Rasheeda visited the flat prior to moving in, and noticed the “wall of thick smoke” then? Perhaps Farrah could refrain from burning incense for an hour or two before Rasheeda comes home, but it sounds like Rasheeda won’t be happy until the incense has been eradicated completely.
Robbie, 55
When you flat share you need to consider each other’s needs: the noise, cleanliness, strong smells – anything that impacts on the other’s quality of life. Incense contains volatile compounds that some researchers consider worse than cigarettes and that are linked to multiple health issues.
Amanda, 61
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us if you think Farrah is on the wrong scent.
The poll closes on Wednesday 27 August at 9am BST
Last week’s results
We asked whether Mona should stop leaving so many lights on
38% of you said yes – Mona is guilty
62% of you said no – Mona is not guilty