It’s a convenient truth of our time that if you Google for long enough, you will eventually find the answer you want. In other words, there’s a lot of anti-beard propaganda out there, and I’m not falling for any of it. I love beards. So I keep scrolling.
Past the recent Washington Post report that some toilets contain fewer germs than the average beard (that’s pretty much true of phone screens, and we happily rub them on our faces). Not even pausing on an investigation into whether it would be hygienic to scan canines and humans in the same MRI machine, which found most beards contained more microbes and bacteria than dog fur. La la la, I’m not listening.
Finally, a link worth clicking – a researcher at the University of Leicester supplying a more nuanced picture – AKA My Truth. Primrose Freestone, senior lecturer in clinical microbiology, says: “The microbial population on skin varies by location and is influenced by factors such as temperature, pH, humidity and nutrient availability.” She points out that regular washing “removes dirt, oils, allergens and dead skin, helping prevent microbial buildup”.
Phew. Although germs be damned, nothing could put me off anyway. All men look better with beards and I will die on that hill; my husband instantly resembles an estate agent without his. Beards also give men an easy advantage in life (come on, they needed one): those with them are instinctively more trustworthy than their bald-chinned counterparts.
I would go so far as to suggest that men without beards are ungrateful. If you’re able to, why wouldn’t you embrace an aesthetic that requires less effort than the alternative – as in, literally no effort – and will not only make you more handsome generally, but also, as the years roll by, disguise what used to be your jawline? Beards are free, painless plastic surgery. A hairy little glow-up, available to most, regardless of wealth or status. The great leveller, right under your nose this whole time. Genuinely rude not to.
Polly Hudson is a freelance writer